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Things I’m afraid to tell you

Things I’m afraid to tell you

Things I’m afraid to tell you

Comments Off on Things I’m afraid to tell you

Authenticity, honesty, transparency. Words associated with this month’s Pole Dancing Bloggers Association Blog Hop theme. One deep, deep breath, and here goes.

  1. I’ll start off with one that’s good and shallow. I have loose skin on my stomach, left over from weight loss and my 40-something inelastic skin, and it drives me to distraction. I fixate on it, and I hate it.
  2. My fear of being “less than” is the singlemost significant psychological issue I struggle against. This fear has deep roots and I fear (oooh, fear of the fear) I may never fully shake it. Once upon a time, my everyday life was filled with eggshells to walk on, and so I strove for perfection in all things. To this day, if I am not perfect … laugh with me at that statement, because believe me I know how idiotic it is … I become utterly riddled with anxiety that I will be put aside for someone who is.
  3. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and a half, and I’m pretty sure those were my only chances at ever having kids the old-fashioned way. Other options are still on the table … but I feel tremendously let down by my body, which is otherwise healthy and fit. I never really wanted children before. Now I do. And I feel betrayed by my own eggs.
  4. When I get overwhelmed my very strong instinct is to pull the covers over my head and wait for everything to pass. For obvious reasons, this is not a viable solution. But it takes superhuman effort on my part to act. Paralysis by analysis, I’ve got it, a bad case. See point #2 for some backstory on this little gem of a trait. Do nothing, and you won’t do anything that’s imperfect. Get it?
  5. I still cry for my heart cat, who died in 2002. Right now, thinking of her, I am tearing up.
  6. I haven’t told my parents that I pole dance. I’m an almost-43-year-old woman who fears what her parents will think. I wonder if I’m just not giving them enough credit for being the incredible people they are … I tell myself that I should tell them. They are loving, generous, kind human beings and they’ve been the best of parents. But I can’t bring myself to do it, and I feel awful for keeping it from them when it is such a huge, joyful influence in my life.
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